I am not sure whether to be amused or nauseated to learn that the cleverest person in the known universe is launching Club Fry, “an arena, a forum, a social network, a sodality, a society for the sharing of knowledge and passions”. Nice to know it’s all being organised by what he calls “my team”.

Here at Haemoglobin Towers, I’ve decided that the only possible response is to set up Club Key. Not having a team of spellbound acolytes to do the jiggery-pokery, it might take some time to get it up and running. But what can you expect if you sign up?

Club Key members will meet online, once a month, dressed in the club uniform of food-splattered cybertunics. Discussion will be limited to ornithological topics, for obvious reasons, and grunting, whimpering, whingeing and prating will be actively encouraged. Think of it, not as a Club Fry-style arena or forum blah blah blah, nor as the modern equivalent of a literary salon or eighteenth century coffee house, but as a pond, a brackish and stagnant pond, upon the bottom of which you wallow, breathing through a straw poking up into the stale air above, which is swarming with midges and gnats. Occasionally members will be given the opportunity to sprawl in a virtual drainage ditch, batting away flies and even vultures. Both hissy fits and projectile vomiting will be allowed.

All club meetings will be recorded and posted on YouBoot, a version of the video sharing site which concentrates on violent kicking and stamping while wearing big sturdy hiking boots of the pixellated variety.

I have every confidence that this initiative is going to take off in a big way, and that we shall easily outnumber the members of Club Uberbrain. In fact, I have such faith in the project that to get things started I’m going to splatter my cybertunic with genetically modified sponge pudding and go and round up some injured swallows from the local injured birds hospice right this minute.